A few thoughts

I've obviously had a couple of months to think about pregnancy in light of the road that got me here. I thought I would write out a few things that go through my mind from time to time and then things I continually process and work through. Note: In saying all of this, I am no less thankful for this child or pregnancy. I am excited to register, to have a shower, to meet this little one outside of my dreams and to have a child in our home.

1. Infertility, or should I say, the Lord's work in my life through Infertility has forever changed me. It has changed the way I view pregnancy, the Lord and other people in my life. Through it, the Lord has changed the tight grip I had on how our family would grow. It is no longer planned out.

2. Being in a parenting class for the 1st time last week was the oddest experience. I felt like I did not belong and it felt very unreal. The group at the table were talking about names, labor/delivery, stories etc. and I sat there thinking....I do not belong here. I think it is b/c for 2 years in order to sit through or talk through all the conversations like that I had to turn my emotion/heart off. I wanted to talk about it for the people I loved but in order to do that- I could not allow my heart and my emotions to be on the forefront at all. Yes, I can be somewhat good at self protection. It's a struggle, I know.

3. The morning after that class I was still thinking through all of it. In prayer I also realized part of my emotion was because I had lost hope in the process. I think I am often overwhelmed with thankfulness in the gift the Lord has given us. The fact that we were sitting in that class felt unreal. I am incredibly thankful for how the Lord has repaired me and restored my hope through this process.

4. Sometimes I am still more comfortable in "infertility" then I am in "pregnancy". Meaning, when conversations come up of infertility and things that go right a long with that-my heart breaks, I know that spot deeply, it is still very close to home, it is more familiar to me in the last 2 years then pregnancy in the last 5 months.

So...I write all of this out just to process out loud. I think there might be a myth that once pregnant, or maybe even expecting through adoption, that everything vanishes. All the heartache and questioning and processing that brought you to that place is disappear. For me, that is simply not true. It has not gone away, it is and forever will be part of my story and I pray my heart will forever be tender to those in the same place. I can look back now (and never wanted to say this) and be thankful for my infertility and miscarriage. The Lord is good and has made pregnancy and life so much sweeter because of how He showed me who He is through all of it.