he gives and takes away...

I'm not sure why, but I'm a little nervous to write this post. I think its because I've been wanting to write these words for a while and have never been sure of how to go about doing so. I'll begin with probably about 4-5 years ago. Our worship pastors' (at a different church) marriage was falling a part. His wife had left him and he took time away to try and reconcile and work through everything. I will always remember the first Sunday he came back and led us in worship...he chose to lead us in "He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." I remember the emotion in the room and the tears in my own eyes in admiration of his willingness to sing those words during that time. My admiration in the Spirit of the Lord and His mighty power....Fast Forward- about 2 years ago I worked at an adoption agency and I was trying to place 3 children into a permanent "forever family." It was probably one of the most difficult and emotional times of my life. They were older children and so the chance of them getting a family was slim to none. We tried a placement and it failed miserably, the weekend it failed I remember being at IBC and singing the exact words of " He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." Tears again streamed down my face as I tried to sing the words to that song. Difficult at best, but knew the words rang true in my heart.
I am at a season again that I find my eyes filled with tears when singing the same song. You see, about a year ago all of my friends and I started talking about how fun it would be to have children. Blake and I had MANY a conversations and when we were ready, we got off birth control. Friends started popping up pregnant and it was SO fun to celebrate those times but stung at the same time. We are now sitting at almost a year of trying with many questions going through my mind. As a believer I KNOW that the Lord is sovereign, in control and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by Him...at the same time these exact words are what are so hard to hear and read. I believe it is a time of growth, a time to think outside of myself as babies come and families are growing all around me, a time to TRUST in God alone and nothing else-for my expectation to only come from Him. I am thankful the Lord is big enough to take my anger, my questions, frustration and moments of unbelief. I write this out b/c I am learning....I am learning how to process, how to be okay with tears, how to be "authentic" with the girls around me and at the end of the day, when the world is falling out from underneath me to stand firm in HIM. I am writing b/c I would hate to miss an opportunity to begin to share with others what the Lord is teaching me and the character of who HE is through all of this. My hope is that even on the bitter days, angry days, joyful days, tearful days that my heart would choose to say "Lord blessed be your name".