Package without a Bow

I believe I've been waiting to post about this until I had the perfect thing to say, the pretty bow to match the perfect wrapping around this time in my life. Well, I don't. I can't seem to find the bow to wrap it all together and give it a pretty little presentation. A week ago Blake and I went in to the doctor for our first sonogram. Yes, we were 7 weeks pregnant. It took us about that long to believe it was true and to celebrate. I was apprehensive at first about a miscarriage and all the things that could go wrong. I had a friend pray for me and our sweet baby and I remember her words "Lord, you already know the days of this child's life". After that point I gave it over, no more worry for me, this was the Lord's gift, the Lord's child and I would not worry after that point. Besides, my struggle was infertility not miscarriage. I only fit into one little package, not two.

We went to the doctor last Monday to see what we thought would be our little blueberry (the size of a baby that young). Instead, the sonographer took way to long looking at the screen that I couldn't see. I had read the WM news that spoke of miscarriage, I had read the countless update emails about spotting, miscarriage, how normal it is etc....but chose not to have fear. But in that office, with Blake looking at the screen, the doctor said "I'm sorry, there is no easy way to say this-it's not a good pregnancy." The baby had stopped growing. I was in disbelief. It's hard to imagine the Lord would have given us a gift only to take it away a short while later. We knew our baby for 7 weeks.

I've never even thought of miscarriage, it's not in my history, it hasn't been something I worry about but it happened. I started this blog because I wanted to blink and remember times in my life instead of them passing by. This one, I will forever remember. I will remember the kindness of the doctor's office as they whisked us out of the office, I will remember Blake and I sitting in the parking lot for what seemed like hours just staring at nothing, I will remember pulling up to our driveway and the sinking/empty feeling like we just came home from the hospital without our baby, how Blake did not leave my side, I will remember realizing I will in fact be spotting someday and will in fact miscarry this baby. I actually did not know the answer to our infertility and was left with more questions than answers. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to isolate and get on a plane and never come back. To run as fast as I could and not look back. I didn't want to have the feelings again of not wanting to be around babies (children that I love and want to help raise), I didn't want to be envious again of the play groups, stay at home mom's and the experience of pregnancy, breast feeding, biological children, my own time line.-I know those feelings full and well and did not want them flooding my mind but they did, they are and the Lord again will rescue me from them.

I wanted to write all of this down while I still feel the pain of it. I can tell you at this moment I am almost incapable of making decisions, I am numb, I have not cried in a while nor have I been able to honestly say I'm good, laugh with joy or feel much of anything. Partly, I believe because I am in limbo. When the doctor tells you a miscarriage will happen it can take up to 3 weeks for your body to pass the baby. I am grieving now and will grieve again when the day comes I can physically see our baby passing.

I remember my friend dying in high school and knowing I couldn't ask the question "why" because I would never know the answer. The world did not stop on the day he died neither did the world stop on the day our baby died, but I wish it did. I never knew I could miss something so much that I only knew for a short while. I have and will celebrate the life the Lord chose to give us but most of the time I have more sorrow than thankfulness....and you know-it is okay. This too shall pass, He will strengthen me and shelter me. But for now, I'm here, present but not really aware of the world around me.

This is my package, it does not have a bow or pretty wrapping but it's mine, it's ours, it's what has been given to us.