from ashes to africa

I have to tell you that this past week included a day that the Lord allowed me to feel all emotion, all tears, all questions. I write this to let you know where I am and how this process feels. I don't want pity but hope to give others a greater understanding and to remind myself of the journey a long the way. I often think "what prayer are you answering with this"..."what have I prayed before that this is what will bring me to that point" "what are you doing Lord"...I feel like I have a few ideas but one of them is to know myself better, know the Lord more intimately and learn to communicate with him at all times. Part of communicating is listening....that my friends, He IS teaching me!

 I'm currently reading a book called From Ashes to Africa. It is written by one of my best friend's brother in law/family. They experienced infertility for a few years and adopted their son, Silas from Ethiopia. He is precious by the way. I feel like I am at a standstill right now wondering what the Lord has for us. I'm confident I am supposed to be a mother, but like I've said before....not sure where my children will come from. I think today I can say I have hope that they will be biological but even more hope that the Lord is good and knows who they are already. So...in reading this book I came across a scripture that took hold of me, made me weep with joy and sadness and gave me great hope. 

Psalm 27:13

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. 

It is really hard for me to feel like the Lord is speaking to me at times, not sure what it looks like or if I am "hearing" correctly. There is one thing I can say the Lord has said to me over and over in the last year "be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord." I like that this time it was partnered with " I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living". I'm trying to learn to listen, to notice the little things and to be closely knit to the whisper of the Lord. 

.... I do believe Jesus, help me to overcome by unbelief! Mark 9:24

a little project here and there

Here is a glimpse of what we have been up to. Our kitchen was not awful by any means but we did hate the backsplash, it had random tiles of a mixer, coffee cup in pinks/blues.. (shown below) and wanted the cabinet doors/cabinets to be the same color. My favorite color is green and Blake picked out the perfect color. If you are someone who likes bright things you might like the first pictures better. It's really not dark in the kitchen and everything goes really well together. 

and this is the new kitchen. Notice Owen in the first pic, our lovely new wine storage and an up close view of the tile. We love it. The shelves next to the window are gone! and we have painted, painted and painted....

who I was made to become....

I've been thinking about this for a while and I'm not sure I can put it into words. I certainly can not come to a conclusion. You may remember a song I posted about by Brooke Fraser. In the song are the words: "cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb, and avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.." I once did want to be numb to all of this, all of the emotions really just suck at times. I no longer want to be numb or avoid who I was born to become. That is my question though....from birth, who did the Lord want be to become. Right now this applies to motherhood for me.
You see at 3 years of age I wanted to take the baby of another ethnicity home with us instead of my brother, I had a black baby doll etc... In highschool I went on many a mission trips to honduras and worked in the orphanages, same as Trinidad. I am always super sensitive to orphans and birthparents and anything regarding this subject. You can ask Blake...many a times before our infertility journey I've wanted to jump at adopting from another country. I then became a birthmom counselor, a job I will never forget....all of these things I think about and wonder if the Lord has been implanting a desire deep within me to adopt children someday. Has he aligned all of these things so that one day I would take a step back and see his plan or do I romantisize adoption?? I believe that you have to be called or have a deep desire to adopt. The Lord has to give you the ability to love other children as your own. I know it's scary for some but I truly believe I have been given the ability to love other children as my own. Does this mean I will, not sure. I don't see this as a "quick fix" to our infertility or an "instant baby" idea. I know that adoption is a very very long road and process. I also don't believe this is an "either/or" question meaning we can either have biological or adoption. Can I become the person God wants me to be without adoption?? I don't know...

So, I wish the Lord was audible but for now I will keep asking "who did You make me to become?"... Isaiah 26:8- "Yes Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desires of our hearts."

for a day...

so last night me and some friends briefly talked about "if I could be a princess for a day"....this often comes up in conversation. hey, a girl can dream a little! So in honor of dreams if I could be a princess for a day here are a few things I would wish for:

1) to have the shower running when i woke up, warm and ready for me. heated floors a long the way...

2) someone to dry my hair for me...30 minutes takes a lot of arm strength

3) someone to iron my sheets (no I don't do this but think it would be fabulous)

4) have every meal prepared for me- all my favorites and it would always be healthy and fantastic

5) for the sun to have to shine brightly every day

what would you do?

a few of my favorite things...

Okay, here are a few of my favorite things from my 2 week break...things I would like to "blink" and remember. I have to say: I could be a professional stay at home "friend"! For those of you who usually get a Christmas card from us: Don't be offended, we didn't send one out!  

First Let me welcome: Caroline Hayden Moore  to the world! 

Congratulations Matt and Katie!

The girls wearing matching pajamas on Christmas morning. Blake loves flannel pants!

Blake doing demo on our kitchen! We are almost done....

Our community group came over to cheer us up: We ate dinner together and painted...can you guess what we painted?

V playing guitar hero on New Years.