God is my Victory

Evil will not prevail. This is what has brought me comfort in the last few days. Bad things happen to good people, period. However, it will not be the last word.
I have been repeating Isaiah 54:17 which states “No weapon forged against you will prevail.” This is what comforts me, what makes me want to keep going and put up a fight. To praise God despite my circumstances. I feel like Satan would love to prevail in our situation, he would love to have a hold on me but he won’t. Why? Because my Jesus died and in Matthew 28:5 “He was not in the tomb, he had risen, just as he said.” He defeated death, He defeated Evil, it will not prevail.

I am also reminded in Romans 8 that I am a child of God, an heir and co-heir of Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings we will share in his Glory. Again, Evil will not prevail. In the end it will be His glory that floods this earth and we will not suffer pain, tears and hurt once we are with Him. I know I posted this song a while back but I have been listening to it as it repeats these same truths. It is one of the only worship songs I can sing right now.

I will bring praise,
I will bring praise,
No weapon formed against me shall remain,
I will rejoice, I will declare,
God is my victory and He is here,

This is my prayer in the battle,
When triumph is still on its way,
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ,
So firm on his promise I'll stand,

So today I sing these words b/c my God is a God who is Mighty to save. (Zeph 3:17) I will sing the rest of the song below because of Psalm 56:13 “For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.”

All of my life, in every season,
You are still God,
I have a reason to sing,
I have a reason to worship

Package without a Bow

I believe I've been waiting to post about this until I had the perfect thing to say, the pretty bow to match the perfect wrapping around this time in my life. Well, I don't. I can't seem to find the bow to wrap it all together and give it a pretty little presentation. A week ago Blake and I went in to the doctor for our first sonogram. Yes, we were 7 weeks pregnant. It took us about that long to believe it was true and to celebrate. I was apprehensive at first about a miscarriage and all the things that could go wrong. I had a friend pray for me and our sweet baby and I remember her words "Lord, you already know the days of this child's life". After that point I gave it over, no more worry for me, this was the Lord's gift, the Lord's child and I would not worry after that point. Besides, my struggle was infertility not miscarriage. I only fit into one little package, not two.

We went to the doctor last Monday to see what we thought would be our little blueberry (the size of a baby that young). Instead, the sonographer took way to long looking at the screen that I couldn't see. I had read the WM news that spoke of miscarriage, I had read the countless update emails about spotting, miscarriage, how normal it is etc....but chose not to have fear. But in that office, with Blake looking at the screen, the doctor said "I'm sorry, there is no easy way to say this-it's not a good pregnancy." The baby had stopped growing. I was in disbelief. It's hard to imagine the Lord would have given us a gift only to take it away a short while later. We knew our baby for 7 weeks.

I've never even thought of miscarriage, it's not in my history, it hasn't been something I worry about but it happened. I started this blog because I wanted to blink and remember times in my life instead of them passing by. This one, I will forever remember. I will remember the kindness of the doctor's office as they whisked us out of the office, I will remember Blake and I sitting in the parking lot for what seemed like hours just staring at nothing, I will remember pulling up to our driveway and the sinking/empty feeling like we just came home from the hospital without our baby, how Blake did not leave my side, I will remember realizing I will in fact be spotting someday and will in fact miscarry this baby. I actually did not know the answer to our infertility and was left with more questions than answers. I wanted to be alone, I wanted to isolate and get on a plane and never come back. To run as fast as I could and not look back. I didn't want to have the feelings again of not wanting to be around babies (children that I love and want to help raise), I didn't want to be envious again of the play groups, stay at home mom's and the experience of pregnancy, breast feeding, biological children, my own time line.-I know those feelings full and well and did not want them flooding my mind but they did, they are and the Lord again will rescue me from them.

I wanted to write all of this down while I still feel the pain of it. I can tell you at this moment I am almost incapable of making decisions, I am numb, I have not cried in a while nor have I been able to honestly say I'm good, laugh with joy or feel much of anything. Partly, I believe because I am in limbo. When the doctor tells you a miscarriage will happen it can take up to 3 weeks for your body to pass the baby. I am grieving now and will grieve again when the day comes I can physically see our baby passing.

I remember my friend dying in high school and knowing I couldn't ask the question "why" because I would never know the answer. The world did not stop on the day he died neither did the world stop on the day our baby died, but I wish it did. I never knew I could miss something so much that I only knew for a short while. I have and will celebrate the life the Lord chose to give us but most of the time I have more sorrow than thankfulness....and you know-it is okay. This too shall pass, He will strengthen me and shelter me. But for now, I'm here, present but not really aware of the world around me.

This is my package, it does not have a bow or pretty wrapping but it's mine, it's ours, it's what has been given to us.

Sibling or Spouse

On this rainy day I decided to browse the tv channels....loved watching an episode of Sex and the City. So this episode was about Carrie and her boyfriend at the time and all of the little things they did to get on each other's nerves! It was funny....So I was debating, do I post something about Blake and I? That idea was confirmed this afternoon as he had his music blaring, foot keeping beat on a squeaky table, Owen (our dog) beating his tail on the floor and Bentley (our dog) scratching her ears.....drives me crazy! We have these days and I'm pretty sure he loves it, when he knows I am going crazy and he has the power to add fuel to the fire-he loves it! We both have experience in this as we grew up with siblings of the opposite sex. The expressions in this picture show the range of frustrations and feelings on days like this (except Matt's but I couldn't get him out of the picture, ha)! So what are the things that make us more like siblings then spouses?

He likes all music LOUD- I like some music at a lower volume (what he calls "I can't hear that"). He would do it in the morning if he could and that is simply NOT okay!

He is a very neat person meaning everything has it's place, although I am the same I can leave things randomly all over the house and it drives him crazy.

He prefers one cup out at a time and I have a cup in the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom and possibly living room-not to mention my car!

I use any and all dishes in order to make dinner and he would preserve as many dishes as possible- this may have to do with the fact he cleans the dishes after our meals so he would appreciate it if I didn't use as many.

He gets out of the shower with wet feet, which stays on the floor, which attracts the dirt off of the next persons shoes who walks in the bathroom leaving a dirty mess

I want the sheets folded and as wrinkle free as possible, he would prefer to roll them into a ball and shove them in a drawer.

All in all, we love being married and enjoy our time together. We do have our "sibling" days but it's fun and I wouldn't want to be married to anyone else! At least it brings laughter right?Thanks for putting up with me hubs-you are welcome to add your own list here!

Happy Mom's Day

Happy Mothers Day momma. On this journey of infertility I have thought of Mothers Day creeping up for a while. I thought about everyone that this day is actually hard for. That list could go on and on....But I wanted to choose something else for today. Choose to celebrate my mom and her mom! What a great heritage I have. My Granny is such a beautiful woman. She is Christ centered, independent, has a sense of humor, selfless and the best Granny any kid could ask for. She loves flowers and birds and enjoys the smaller things in life. I love her. My mother is a repeat of all of those very things with a few characteristics added. She is a prayer warrior, she loves to go shopping, she thinks of all of those "mother" things like "did you forget...", "have you...", "this is something you might want to iron" (meaning, I shouldn't buy it b/c I do not iron a thing!). She loves chocolate, used to cook dinner every night, is a neat freak and is great with children. She is also a faithful friend. My mom also has a sense of humor! Oh my. The most wonderful thing is that she can laugh at herself...often! She mixes up sayings, peoples names and if you get her even close to driving on the same road she goes to work on you'll end up at her school instead of your original destination. She loves sonic drinks, Large Vanilla D.C. with extra vanilla easy ice and feels the need to get Christmas presents for the little carhops! She is a lot of fun to spend time with. We now think alike and enjoy a lot of the same things. Some would say that is scary, which at times it is my friends but overall it's a pretty good deal! So Happy Mothers Day. I hope the sun is out today so you can lay out (me too!).